Happy Free Thoughts Thursday on a Friday, people.

I started writing this at 11:47pm on Thursday and missed the deadline to keep this newsletter true to its namesake.

I have quick app recommendation for you: Libby.

It lets you use your public library card to rent books and audiobooks directly through the app.

It's free—as long as everyone (including you) keeps paying their taxes.

1 Thought From Me:

Obviously, I missed last week's newsletter. And technically this week's too.

Last week was my first time missing one since I started doing this back in March. I'm not happy about it, but we can't always be perfect.

Sometimes we'll skip the gym. Sometimes we'll miss a deadline. Sometimes I won't make time for a newsletter.

It's not the end of the world.

It happens.

Just don't let it become a habit.

(Might be talking to myself here...)

1 Thought From Someone Else:

I read this email from Jordan Peterson about relationships a few weeks ago and found myself coming back to it recently.

I hope you find it as insightful as I did.

If not, maybe it will serve as a nice reminder.

7 Principles For Relationships

1. Conflict Delayed Is Conflict Multiplied.

People wonder why I engage in conflict. I hate conflict. I find it very stressful. But conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. As the conflict is delayed, the reasons multiply. And the persons who are involved demean themselves, get weaker, and less confident.

I used to see this in my clinical practice with married couples.

Perhaps you think (moment to moment, at least) that it is best to avoid confrontation and drift along in apparent but false peace. However, make no mistake about it: you age as you drift, just as rapidly as you age as you strive. But you have no direction when you drift, and the probability that you will obtain what you need and want by drifting aimlessly is very low. Things fall apart of their own accord, but the sins of men speed their deterioration: that is wisdom from the ages.

2. Don’t Worship People.

What do you want in a relationship? Well, you think 'bliss' but that isn't what you want. As it turns out, you want someone to contend with. You know you don't want a pushover, you don't want everything to be easy, and this is the sort of phenomenon that Kierkegaard was talking about when he talked about deciding to make things more difficult for people because that’s what they want.

If you go out with someone and they worship you, and they agree with your every word, and there's nothing but positive feedback coming from them, you lose respect for them almost instantly, and you wander off and find someone who's more exciting.

Part of the reason for that is that you want the person that you're with to challenge you so that not only do you do reasonably well together but so you can coexist in the same space with a reasonable amount of peace. However, you also want there to be enough tension in the relationship so that you're both involved in the process of mutual transformation.

3. It’s Hard to Fix Someone. It’s Even Harder to Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Be Fixed.

It's no good to leave someone struggling in the lurch. However, what if you're with this person, and they're not going anywhere? Maybe they have an alcohol problem, and they're resentful. Then you think you are all they've got. Well, they bloody well better want to have to fix that because you're not going to be able to.

If they're going to fix it more than anything, and they're willing to tell the truth about it and willing to interact with you, then there's a ghost of the chance you might pull through it. It is tough to fix someone who does not want to be fixed. There are many people like this which is why the answer to the question depends on the particularity of the situation.

4. Have Urgency.

When my parents were in their 70's, I only got to see them twice per year due to the long distance. I calculated that if they lived until their mid-eighties, I would only get to see them 40 more times. That's urgent. When you have a ticking clock, there's a sense of urgency that you better get it right. You don't have as many opportunities as you imagine to spend with your loved ones.

5. Give Precise, Meaningful Praise.

Watch the people you care about carefully. Extremely carefully and when they do something that you would like to do more of, tell them that it was good and mean it. However, you have to be precise. "Here's what you just did that I think was great". Reward is intensely valuable for modifying behavior.

6. Pay Attention to Your Conscience.

When you're formulating relationships in your adolescence and during your early adulthood, you don't have that many experiments to run. You get old a lot faster than you think, so attempt attention. Attention is an underrated faculty; it's not the same as thinking. It's the act of watching to see what's in front of your eyes and guiding yourself as a consequence of what you perceive. It's the faculty that transforms thought if you let it, and your conscience alerts you as well. It alerts you when you're wasting time, and very few people are happy with that. Some are burdened by it more than others, but no one escapes that voice of conscience.

7. Remove Resentment.

People struggle to give praise in relationships because of underlying resentment. If you resent someone and they do something good, you opt out of praising them because you don't want to reward them in any shape or form. In the process, you've just punished them for doing what you want.

— Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

Let me know your thoughts on these tips from Peterson by responding directly to this email.

Live your life to the fullest,

Chris

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